How to Simulate a Trip to Sea on Land
by Georgia A. Graham
Excerpted from Nautical
Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Four hours after you go to sleep, have
your mate whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your
eyes, and mumble, "Your watch!".
Put a wall across the middle of you bathtub
and move the shower head down to chest level.
When taking showers, shut off the water
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead
of water and set it to high.
If your basement floods, during a sudden
thaw, go down and start bailing.
Bring inside some type of gas motor (lawn
mower, garden tiller, etc.), start, and leave running while
trying to listen to favorite CD, or having an in depth conversation.
If the wind outside is howling, race around
the house to make sure all windows and doors are secure (at
night, everyone takes a turn on 'watch').
Place all non edible garbage in small
plastic bags, and store in other half of tub (edible garbage
to be thrown out the window).
Wake up at midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Cold canned ravioli
or soup, is optional.
Make up your family menu a week ahead
of time without looking in the pantry, fridge, or freezer.
Once a month, pick a major appliance,
take it completely apart, and put it back together.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot, and allow
it to sit for 5 to 6 hours before drinking.
Put a fluorescent light under the coffee
table, and lay there to read a book.
Every so often, throw the cat in the tub
(hot tub, large sink, etc.) and shout, "Man overboard!".
Run into the kitchen and sweep all the
pots, pans and dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then
yell at the mate for not having the place "stowed for sea".
Lock all friends and family outside. Your
only means of communication should be with letters that your
neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two
Surround yourself with 200 people that
you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like
Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child
uses sugar on cereal.
Unplug all radios and TVs to completely
cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring
you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to
keep you abreast of current events.
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording
all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors
Do not flush the toilet for five days
to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four
Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time,
to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is
day or night.
Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day
for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until
you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose
three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting
up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform
that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under
the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute
intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various
times the watchstanders and night crew bump around and wake
you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are
tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom
clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter
crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered
to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
Prepare all meals blindfolded using all
the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold
and eat everything in three minutes.
Periodically, shut off all power at the
main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire,
fire" and then restore power.
At least once a month, force the commode
to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.
Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid
animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you
can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth
day especially when you are in the bathroom.
Study the owner's manual for all household
appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back
Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.
Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock
up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer
every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard
When making sandwiches, leave the bread
out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another
port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes.
Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive
beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours.
Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby
after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't
Use fresh milk for only two days after
each port visit.
Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees
C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
Ensure that the water heater is connected
to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from
a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating
rapidly from 2 to 95 degrees C.
Use only spoons which hold a minimum of
1/2 cup at a time.
Repaint the interior of your home every
month, whether it needs it or not.
Every four hours, check the fluid level
in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace
air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red
tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while
you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results
of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because
he did not see you perform them.