Dictionary of common tools
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing new seats and soft tops (And Sails).
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
Pop rivets in their holes, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in the body
just above the wiring harness.
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads.
Also, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've
searching for the last 15 minutes.
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room.
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the
ground trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X6: Used for levering a car
upward off a hydraulic jack.
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps, fuel or vacuum lines or electrical connections you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style > paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in
a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts and snaps the
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.